A Sure Thing

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I became a villain that night.  The night I yelled at her for the first time.  That's the thing I hate about it the most, the first time, more than once.  I don't think I've hated myself more than now.  I raised my voice and was immediately sorry.  The look on her face tore me to shreds.  I don't even remember what we were arguing about that time.  I'm just glad I never raised my hand to her.

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I hate drinking.  So does she.  But then I never really did any drinking.  So I can't blame my anger on that.  I can't even blame it on her.  It's not like I could get drunk anyway.  I wish I was lying.  I wish I was bragging.  Well, I guess tonight will finally be the lie to that truth.  Another bottle empty, I can't remember finishing this one.  How many more bottles before I start forgetting the memories?  There were good times.  We laughed, I remember that too.  But as soon as I start on those memories, the ugly ones rear their heads.

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I became a villain that night.  That keeps running through my head.  I'm not supposed to be that guy.  I despise men like that.  Always thinking that they are better than everyone else, full of themselves.  I was supposed to be the hero.  The good boyfriend.  The one who saved her from having to deal with those kinds of men ever again.  Instead I make the number one spot on the world's worst boyfriends list.  I never, Never thought I was better than her.  I loved her.  Another empty one?  No that was the last one.  Here's the new one, already half gone.

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The worst thing is that I was never angry because of being some controlling chauvinistic pig.  I was angry because I was hurt.  That is no excuse.  Acting like a child is definitely no excuse.  But that's what it was.  I was a giant child throwing even bigger tantrums.  And the collateral was her.  Her tears, Her scared face, Her inability to speak because of fear that I would get mad at anything she would say.  What the hell was I thinking?  Why couldn't I get over my self-indulgence pity parties?  Why couldn't I make my self talk to her?  Why couldn't I have been better?....That was the last bottle.

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To be a villain, you have to regress.  You get worse as you go along.  The things you do become viler.  It's the hero's job to stop it before it affects more people.  To stop it before the world is torn asunder...I always wanted to be a hero.  Never a villain.  It's funny though.  Heroes are not supposed to gamble.  But then again, I only bet on a sure thing.  I'm sorry love.  I never meant for it to go like that.  it was never because I wanted to control you.  I was hurt and acted like a child.  I'm sorry I never talked to you.  I'm sorry I became a villain.  I can promise you one thing.  I won't let it happen to another woman....Remember...squeeze...don't pull....