Well Deserved

There is pain there.  Always constant.  I thought I had beat it.  I thought it was starting to fade.
But then I see you and it comes back again.  Rearing its head, I can hear the maniacal laugh coming from
its dark and cavernous gullet.  It shouts at me with liquid acid in its voice.

"I'm still here!  You can not be rid of me that easily!"  It laughs at me, surrounds me with its morbid coils.  My
skin breaks out in a cold sweat.  My sides are turned to jelly.  Soft and viscous, they slowly melt, my heart
is beating pain against my chest.  There are hooks in my ribs, slowly pulling me in half.  Broken inch, by broken inch.  Inside I am screaming for help.  Outside I can make no noise.

My lips stay shut.  There is no breath for me to use.  It is all spent on trying not to succumb to the sobs of guilt roiling inside.  I was stupid to assume I had forgiven myself.  I see you smiling, laughing carefree, and more guilt builds.  I never caused a smile like that.  Only sadness.  Only tears.  My insides are now gone.  I am but a shell of a worthless creature.  How many days did I have to make myself wake up?  How many times did I look in that mirror and scream at my self.

"I HATE YOU!"  How long has it been since I stopped looking in a mirror?  The pain begins anew.  I am Sisphyus, I am Tantalus.  Forever caught.  That is my curse.  I will not try to break free.  Everyday that I survive, is another day of punishment I deserve.  I can not tell my friends.  My loyal friends who say it is not all my fault.  Oh how I wish that I could accept your comforting words.  My loyal friends who refuse to see the monster that I truly am.  I do not deserve you.

So I stay quiet.  I do not tell you when I awake, dripping with sweat, shivering from the horror of seeing what I have done.  I let the pain wash over me and accept it for what I deserve.  I thought it was coming to an end.  How foolish of me.  I have barely pushed the boulder up the hill for the first time.  I have an eternity to go.